Three Years For Sweet Revenge, Or How I Love Being A Tranny Dyke, and You Can Too!
[Authors Note: I originally planned to have this written by my 3 year HRT anniversary, which is in the end of September, but uh, brains are a fuck sometimes.]
Dear reader, I’m not the same person I was three years ago, but are someone else. Currently, I’m three and a half years into transitioning, and while there have been plenty of ups and downs to get here, I like where I’m at. Still wish I was further along in some aspects, but overall I feel like I’m going in a good direction. Transitioning has been the best choice I’ve made in my life, at least so far.
Despite everything, the bad depression days, the powers that be working to stop trans people from existing, or dealing with problems all women deal with — when the gender euphoria hits, it fuckin hits. Liking what you see in the mirror is the best, and weirdest, feeling after twenty-eight years of grimacing at your reflection. Having an active interest in putting together outfits, and crafting your own sense of style is so refreshing, even if it can be frustrating as a trans woman. Especially a fat trans woman lmao. And sure, I could have put more effort into how I dressed pre-transition, but when you’re under such a strong dissociated haze all your life, you kinda don’t see the point a lot of the time. At least in my experience.
In addition to reveling in the physical changes my body as gone through so far, I also love that I can just be a dyke. It turns out that if you want to be a girl who likes girls, you can just go and do that, and it fucking rules! I get to be the cool fat alt dyke, who is out loud and proud doing whatever weirdo shit I want with other hot weird girls, it’s so affirming. Being a trans sapphic is the best, sorry to all the other gender+sexuality combinations out there, better luck next time. :p
I hope that I won’t be the same person I am now in three years. I hope that I’ll be someone better, a more refined version of the woman I want to be. I want to be surrounded by queer weirdos, and have a community of people who I care for and who care for me. I also hope to be within reasonable physical distance to my partner, instead of being stuck on the other side of the country. (It turns out yearning hits way harder when there is actually someone to yearn for, and not some imaginary dyke you daydream about, who’da thunk huh?) I want to continue putting in the work being the most fulfilling version of myself, which turns out to be extremely queer, vulnerable and earnest. Which is way fucking harder to do in practice than to just say it in text. I don’t think there will ever be an end point for my transition, because there will always be refinement to strive toward, in addition to just naturally changing as time goes on. A gremlin I know put it like this, the only constant is change, and that’s really stuck with me the more I think about it, even if it is fucking scary at times.
I guess to sum things up, I’m not the person I was before transitioning, and I never want to be them again; I refuse to go back. The only way those motherfuckers will take this away from me is prying it from my cold dead hands. I love being a filthy little queer surrounded by other filthy queers. Thanks for The Venom, and here’s to the rest of my life as a huge dyke. <3